ewald apperle

I got my laptop from the office and am now sitting in the dining room, it’s still dark outside at this time of the year. I heated the tiled stove and made a cup of coffee. In Internet Radio I have a country station with the name Wild Country saved, and this is currently running.

For quite some time, almost two years, this is my favorite music. Has somehow so surrendered, why I do not know exactly.

I think, how many people, I think about the coming New Year on the statement: again, a year passed and ask me at the same time the question: what was that for a year?

At the latest in the period between Christmas and New Year, Frau Mann is thinking about this question. Admittedly, this way of thinking about a now almost past year increases in intensity with age. Knowing that every passing second means a past year anyway, I think, but at certain times like birthdays or just Christmas – New Year, the knowledge of „transience“ is larger and symbolically linked to a year. The countdown comes to me spontaneously. Numbers, once learned, then determine your life with you – every day.

In a few days we write the year 2018 – I came to this world in 1962, that’s nearly fifty-six years, – almost because I was born in mid-December.Inevitably, an „automated“ bill „runs“ into my head: fifty-six years and „X“ years until? – to what? I let this bill „stand“ for the time being, further „calculation examples“ take place in my head, such as: my eldest granddaughter is now three years old when I’m seventy, then she is eighteen and when I turn ninety then she would be thirty-eight years old, I would probably have one or more great-grandchildren (inside). Thoughts, numbers – memories. Seven years ago, I was just about to leave this world, had a posterior myocardial infarction. I got a chance back then, seven years ago. What did I do with that? Did I learn something from this? Did I change something? Again questions. At that time, I stepped „shorter“ as far as the intensity of working hours and working days in the week, started doing regular sports again, changed my diet, changed my appearance to show that this is a kind of „new start“ and the most important thing: I have stopped smoking on the spot and have never smoked again, let alone pleasure or desire for a Cigarette.The fact that I managed to do so „confidently“ has given me some wings, has shown me that I have a strong will and can do what I want. That was seven years ago, what was this year? This brings me back to the original statement that this year will be over soon.The most important thing is that I am healthy! (Except for the aftermath of the infarction, which will accompany me but my remaining life anyway).I rode a lot by bike and went skiing this year, was a lot of walking, in the mountains, in the gym, – I was fine and physically fit and healthy. A small downer is just my body weight, here I just cannot achieve the ideal weight, who? Actually stated? There is an ideal weight for men, an ideal weight for women an index.Man is not considered here as an individual, but as a compact construction of the same sexual characteristics and the numbers – these are also the „measure“ of all things. Formula: Body size minus 100 is the ideal weight for men! Well, this year I cannot do that, miss the ideal for smooth 7.5 kg (plus), so that would be the first, if you will fix the balance sheet for this year already.I would like to „think“ a bit more at this kind of generalization, because I know that when asked to other people, what was your or your year like?Certainly, answers like: great, great, excellent, damn, – bad, is already or average, etc. will come.With the latter, the average, say mediocrity of quality or quantity or mathematical mean, whatever, exactly with this word, I always have to remember that there are up here, as well as down a lot of „air“! Thank God! We are individuals, each unique!

This, almost last year was also unique, nothing that has happened this year, will repeat just as and disparate – nothing!Certainly, birthdays, holidays, certain events are quite connected with a déjà-vu, but nothing happens exactly in the same time at the same time to the same exact second place or with the same unchanged people, because the time does not stand still, because Everything is aging because new things are being born again and again, because everything is constantly changing.I too have changed again this year. Not only that I’m just a year older. As far as my mind is concerned, my point of view, my way of thinking, change my feelings. In the physical, although athletic active, I cannot help but admit that every year „notes“. A look outside tells me: it’s getting daylight. Venetian blinds on, – a beautiful dawn on the snow-covered mountains, I enjoy the sight, get me a coffee from the kitchen.What could I have done better? I ask myself this question next as I look through the window at the approaching sunrise, listening to music in the background and taking a sip of coffee.

Nothing! I think intensively, but it keeps coming out of my head: nothing!So, nothing, could I have done better this almost past year? That leaves me no peace, I can hear deeper into me.But, there is already a lot, which was not „optimal“, be it in the professional or in private but it is ultimately little things, trifles of life.I did the fundamental things that I did this year as well because I wanted it that way, and I cannot claim by the end of the year that it was „better“ because …What you decided to do at one point in time was what you wanted to do!Later, if you have a different view of what happened and you think it would have been better otherwise, then it will be useful for future, similar situations to make them better and then, at another later point in time: it would be even better feasible. In retrospect, things usually look different.

I, for me personally, strongly believe:

Everything that happens in our lives is basically not determined by ourselves, even though we try to shape and direct our lives, but from a much higher place, God, fate, predestination, whatever we call it,It is up to us to live this life, to accept it and to find ourselves, so that we can say at the end of this life: I have lived my life, it was my destiny, I have accepted it. I’m ready to go now.

The way there, the way to this realization is our life.

The year that has not yet passed, when I am already accounting, was „pervaded“ with all sorts of depths and setbacks, with everyday occurrences and déjà-vus, strife, pain,but first and foremost, I only think of the wonderful hours of happiness and contentment that I was allowed to live in, floating above this earthly banality, feeling and moving beyond that world, weightless through time and space, – it was unbelievable nice hours I experienced. Love.The moments of sunrises and sunsets, of views of beautiful natural scenery, unknown landscapes, funny and convivialGet-together, achieve athletic goals and so much more positive. Life. After all, this, almost expired year, 2017 was and is a wonderful year of my life, a wonderful piece of my way. And resolutions for next year? NO! – save to live my life.

Wishes, dreams and goals, however, I have many. What comes true is not so important. The very fact that I have dreams and goals is life.

© Ewald Apperle Dec. 2017