My body can handle a lot. 72 hours with just one „normal“ breakfast each and more than 30 km on foot and 260 km by bike during this period. With so little food, my body is well and can do a lot, with this age and a heart that is damaged by a posterior infarct.
Tears, because deep sad and memories so much and fear what comes. No, my body does not need food, or only very little, only as much as needed to survive.
But my soul is „hungry and thirsty“, it hurts, it craves food, it needs love, it craves warmth, words and understanding, touch and togetherness. After the loved one she consumes every thought and action of this love. Clings like a climber to every conceivable stop and kick in the rock. Behind the thoughts abyss and forward steep walls, when am I up? When does the hope and yearning come to an end?
At a bridge I passed today, high was very high, right at the beginning was a sign with the meaningful words: There is always a solution! You can call us at this number …. in reading, I immediately thought of other souls and hearts with great pain and 100 m abyss could end this way out and hopelessness.
The thought in me lasted only a short time, because a life and be it so „bleak, hopeless, botched, lost, hopeless“ … you do not finish a life yourself! For me as a believer, given by God, to be able to live this high good and privilege on this earth as a guest is „holy“. If this life had to suffer, then I think of our Lord, who suffered for us, gave us his life (through the hands of others), in his love for us humans. I also want to give my life, with all that life is: loving, hoping, giving and taking suffering – if that’s the way it should be. But I do not want to take anybody into this suffering and cause no pain.
It is my life, my suffering, my happiness.
The time to end a life is not in the hands of a human being, in his power. I do not give up the hope that my soul will find fulfillment, as ascetic as the body in which it lives.
When something is closed, something is opened in another place. The Creator alone knows what is behind the New Opening.
© ewald apperle May 31st. 2018