Time of Sadness

Ways to go, to drive paths, which one has gone or driven with his “future ex-wife” is like a film of memories, accompanied by sadness and sadness, even if there is a smile here and there, whether various „carvers“, As far as the chosen route is concerned or even places we were equally impressed and impressed with. Even whole conversations about places or buildings come back to my mind when I look at them, only everything is quiet. I’m alone, you’re only in my thoughts on these familiar, old paths on the road and we talk and discuss and laugh as once, as then. It is a tour of tears, a vacation, lonely and full of painful memories, tears and questions. It is not so long ago that I have booked the holiday for both of us, with „Both of us“ no longer being there. Now I’m alone here, avoid going to places we’ve been in together, walking the area and the roads and driving is painful enough. Sometimes it is unbearable, and I cannot stop tears cloud my eyes and I want to scream loud out the pain, to repress it, to eliminate it. It Does not succeed, too little time has passed, too fresh all the memories, too real the so far. Tomorrow is over and it’s back home, home? At home, there is not more. No place where I am, where I still belong, it goes through my head. Start again from the beginning. I cannot answer why it happened that way, I’ve tried for a long time, still looking for it, but deep inside of me I feel there is no reasonable and unequivocal answer. I walk around the lake again, just as we had done together. Lost in thought, I march along the path, it thunders and starts to rain, since I’m here, I’m wet the first time, I spontaneously come up with the title: Tears of Heaven, while I cry softly and hiding. No one is in the rain on the road, no one sees the silent tears, no one hears anything, except the raindrops that drum on roofs and cars and darken the asphalt. The leaves of the trees still hold back the rain, as if they were in solidarity with holding back the tears, as I suppress it as well as I can, although it would certainly be better to scream out loud and cry a bit, to stop maybe the pain. It’s like a tour of tears. I arrived at the pension which is the same as last year, the room is on the same floor. … It is a farewell, a „completion“ and at the same time a new beginning, I’m looking forward to it.  © ewald Apperle, May 31st. 2018

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