What am I here for?

It is dawn outside, a soft dawn as a nice contrast to the white mountain peaks, a few harmless remnants of cloud from yesterday’s rainy day still linger on the mountain slopes and the birds have been performing for a good hour into the day. It will be a good hour before the sun sends its rays over the mountain ridge towards my office window. I have a cup of coffee in front of me, the notebooks have booted up, e-mails are being checked and I am already getting the first reminders for today’s workday.

I have so many other thoughts in my head, about the current situation with this, for me unbelievable and stupid hysteria and the political actions around the Corona Virus, but also privately.

I did not sleep particularly well today, as I often do when I am very, busy with thoughts. This of course stays with our cat, not unnoticed when I stare into the dark with open eyes at night, she notices it and with her meowing she shows me emphatically that she is already awake.

Most of the time I get up and feed them, sometimes I go back to bed and sleep a little longer, but also, like today, I stay up, make myself a coffee and start up the notebook. The first thing I do is check my phone for messages while the PC is starting up. I will write you a good morning and nice wishes for the day, read the latest news while I am sipping my coffee and looking out the window every now and then, like right now.

The dawn has changed, has become stronger, just like the day, it is getting increasingly lighter and a look at the clock tells me that I have already spent half an hour doing the above-mentioned activities and writing. Whenever my head is so full of thoughts and especially when my heart aches, be it full of longing or sorrow, then I have the habit of writing. Writing helps me in a certain way to process the situations, to classify them, sometimes to understand them.

Questions that occupy me to write down, to look for answers while writing, to try to find answers, to save them for later, to read and search for answers again. What am i there for This question or similar formulations are very often in my head and occupy me more or less permanently, even today or all night long, these thoughts are buzzing around in my mind’s eye and demand an answer.

Love and pain are a couple, inseparable. Emotions of love are so beautiful, so indescribably beautiful, but sometimes there is pain because you said words carelessly, asked questions that hurt you or what you wrote that carelessly. You violate trust and with it sorrow and pain come into love, reflection begins, questions and doubts arise. Longing gnaws mercilessly, love, wants only one thing, this‘ heavenly feeling of togetherness, without the rest of the world outside, without questions, unconditionally and only because of love. Pain, disharmony, and doubt have no place in love and yet it sometimes happens, but love can overcome anything.

I experienced both, in the here and now, am I here for that? When I was lying in bed with my eyes open and staring into the dark, this thought occurred to me today: I am here, in this world, because I sprang from the love between my mother and my father. It was not a purely biological process from which I emerged, there were feelings, great feelings, love, my existence on earth was born out of love. I find this thought particularly beautiful, I like it! Born out of the most beautiful feeling, that’s me, as my mother wrote to myself and this feeling, the love, I’ve also carried within me since I’ve lived and my daughter is here in this world for exactly the same reason as I am.

I often ask myself questions, like.: why am, I here, what am I doing in the world or about getting older and much more. I think about it, write about it.

Is life a kind of play where you play a leading or supporting role or the fool or the hero etc.? or is it important to create something? to build something? etc., there are innumerable ways of looking at things and perspectives, the thoughts to think are endless. I am because I think Or do I think because I am? But those who don’t think are too ?! Anyway, back to my perspective today, from the perspective of love. I live because I love because I am loved because I was loved. I feel that I am alive because it hurts when love hurts. I feel that I am alive because it is wonderful when love forgives. I am there to pass on what I am there for: love, forgive, live. This is my personal feeling, my thoughts this morning, after this sleepless night, with so many questions. In my mind these words: Please forgive my carelessness, be it in the choice of words, written or spoken, be it in questions asked, I never wanted to bring pain to love, I never wanted to hurt this heavenly on earth.

Another twenty-five minutes, then the sun comes out, I will make myself another coffee and now devote myself to my work. In my head, however, beautiful thoughts of love, of you. © ewald apperle


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